Suicide Note

Why am I putting an end to my life?
Why am I thinking of dying tonight?
Nineteen years--some good, some bad;
I wouldn't give up the times I've had,
but it used to all be for a reason--
the sun; the moon; the stars; the seasons.

My whole life I told myself how
for a good tomorrow, it's worth suffering now,
but the tomorrow for those days
has long since past away.

So, how can I possibly believe
that any day I will receive?
There's too many people living for the same dreams.
Yes, everything is as black as it seems.

Out of the blue, my eyes start to tear.
Out of nowhere, the crying appears.
Why get up each morning? Why face the day,
when none of it matters anyway?

Committing every hour of every day
to today and tomorrow's hard earned pay;
Yeah, I know, that's what life's all about.
View me as worthless. I want out.

Eternal sleep sounds better to me.
Hell? Nothing's worse than this life could be!
I don't want to bring anybody down.
I don't have anyone to hang around--

Except for him; the only motivation left,
but being with him means the crime of theft;
Robbery of his time and soon his smile;
making him live his life on trial.

I can't go on.
This can't go on--
Wanting to share myself with him,
but battling boundaries from outward in.

Hoping someday to have a child,
but finding out my chances are mild;
My body faltering inside;
making all my emotions collide.

I've had it! No more!
Nothing left to give.

I can do better. That, I always hear.
Sorry, I fucked up all the way here.
I'm letting you down with the choices I make.
Sorry, your life I didn't mean to take.

Instead, I'll take mine.
Then, all will be fine!
Love's felt most at loss.
Goodbye.

April 28, 1994

Crossing A Bridge

An angry ocean of screaming waters;
vehement wave storm; madness's daughter;
towering over is a bridge of steel;
the only flee from Poseidon's reel.









You say the sun is on the other side.
Until I've trekked, it will continue to hide.
You tell me it is safe to cross,
but I stand at its head, alone and lost.

It is a safe route to take,
but it's one alone I must make?

You told me to abide,
but, where are you, my guide?

Calamity plummets from the sky.
This rain shall not pass me by.
The only shleter from my plight
is to cross and reach the other side,

but I need your hand in mine,
and I feel its slip grow further with time.
I pray for the motivation and strength
to make it across this eternal length.

April 27, 1994

It's Raining

I hear the rain tinkling,
and I have an inkling;
One I'd like to chase away;
One I just can't face.

The harder it patters,
the more it matters.
From questionable to wonderful,
from sunny to thunderful,
it was all so fantastic.
Why a turn so drastic?

What's happening?
The rain is now a drizzle.
Does that mean it will fizzle?

Oh please let this storm pass us by!

April 27, 1994

Needs

Just don't ask me how I feel,
and it'll be fine.

Just don't ask
what's on my mind.

You had to know my heart would bleed
to realize what you truly need.

You chose to choose them over me,
even on our anniversary.

Just don't ask me how I feel,
and I'll get through this ordeal.

April 24, 1994

Gone

I should be smiling.
It wasn't the time.
Oh,
but I feel so empty.
Something is missing.

A part of me
that wasn't whole,
but part of my whole.

It's gone.
No!

I'll never know for sure.
Could I have done something?

Gone--
A part of me;
A part of him;
binding our souls forever;

Taken from grasp;
or was it?
OR
was it
simply in my head?

Blood on my sheets.
Pain in my middle.

Now nothing,
but pain
in my heart.

April 8, 1994

Within

"Your uterus is enlarged,"
the doctor said.
Guess it wasn't
all in my head!

or was it?

"My guess is you're pregnant,
but I can't tell for sure.
I'll need a sonogram
to tell me more."

The first test said 'yes.'
My heart skipped a beat
Could I be ready for
little feet?

I wasn't sure
until just then.
It felt real.
I started to yen,

but then I wondered,
was it too late?
Blood was dripping from inside.
Did I defeat fate?

What would've been?
What could've been?
What might've been?
What should've been?

or, was it all in my head?

Lab work says 'no.'
My heart says 'yes.'
Well, maybe not now,
but before I guess.

After all, it's for the best,
right?
God, give me the strength
to get through the night.

A part of me has died,
and left my skin.
I have lost
something within.

or is it all in my head?

April 8, 1994

Heart Of Gold

Heart of gold--
that's what he has;
24-karat, solid
glittering mass;

Heart of gold
reaching out;
realizing too late
what love's about;

Heart of gold
breaking inside;
trying to move on;
trying not to cry;

Heart of gold
bleeding;
Heart of gold;
needing;

Heart of gold,
Sorry I can't be
your heart's companion.
It's just not me.

Heart of gold,
know I tried.
In spite of hurt,
I never lied.

Heart of gold
beating for me,
someday you'll see
I'm not what you make me out to be.

Heart of gold,
you've done so much.
I thank you for
each word; each touch.

Heart of gold,
I pray for your smile.
I hope it comes
after a while.

Heart of gold,
stay pure.
Someday you'll find
what you're looking for.

Heart of gold,
I hold you close.
You always were
a precious rose.

April 7, 1994

My Ego

Lonely girl;
new town;
strange people
bringing her down;

Trying to keep
her spirits high,
she searches to find
a new life.

Then, he's there
at her feet.
The same questions,
he repeats.

Alhough agreeing
would not be right,
his asking makes her
smile so bright.

Through thick and thin,
up and down,
five years later,
he's still around.

A friendship bond
that's one-of-a-kind;
fun and special
hard to find.

After all this time,
he still touches deep.
He's always boosted
her self-esteem.

You are my ego.
Who knows what I'd be
without you.
I cannot see.

You are my ego,
but also my friend;
close to my heart
until the end.

You are my ego.
I owe you my confidence.
It's you I'm indebted to
for pride and self-acceptance.

April 6, 1994

Alas!

After all the frustration
and the fear,
I am overwhelmed
by what I hear.

Jubilance
radiates through me;
Through my body,
a tingling stream.

So used to words
ultimately hurting
for just being words--
shaded and curving.

To find that
he looks at me so;
What's come over me?
I feel as though

my heart is pumping
joy through my veins.
The feeling--ecstatic;
consuming the pain

For him to think
he has to stretch
to be on my level;
to me impress?

when I'm in love with him
for his genius
and have such faith
in his success;

To find that
he feels as though,
just to converse with me,
he must grow?

Now in a way
I'm dependent on him.
He's the foundation
of my every whim.

Alas! This is what
love's all about.
It took so damn long
to figure it out.

April 4, 1994