What To Say

"I don't know what to say,"
was all he could say.
He looked up with those eyes,
but thou shalt not cry.

There two people, who think too much
two people too scared to stop and touch
thinking and therefore shielding from feeling,
thus further wounding, not healing.

"I don't know what to do,"
was the only thought she knew.
How shalt the two give up on love?
In itself, is it not enough?

He looked up with those eyes;
teary jade mirrors making her cry;
Can't let head think for heart;
Can't brak a benevolent bond apart;

I offer you my inner soul.
Now, it's time for the hold.
Embrace me tight. Unite with me.
Let's be the one we're meant to be.

My whole essence is yours.
Please close no further doors.
I want to forever stay.
That is what I need to say.

March 24, 1994

Extinguished Heart

Throw a blanket over a flame.
Watch it dwindle, fast as it came.

Funny, once it burned so hot;
burning everything it caught.

It once smoked an entire room.
Now, the air is filled with gloom.

Ashes drop left and right.
Bright orange glimmer called love's light;

Almost dead;
dancing no more;
yet still breathing,
ready for
ignition.

March 17, 1994

Dial Tone

I'm holding the phone.
I'm sitting alone.
Hanging on the line,
all this time;
You've long since gone,
but I still stay on.

Just me and the dial tone.

Perhaps; maybe; just possibly;
it indeed is only me,
but I needed you,
and I thought you needed me too,
but,
your time you've better things to do with,
and I should really get a clue, it's
just me and a dial tone.

It's another lonely night
where nothing feels quite right,
and all I have to turn to
is this drone I'm clinging to;
a steady hum conveying bits
of the loneliness of reality, it's
just me and the dial tone.

March 13, 1994

Neglected Youth

Colorful spirits;
hearts of gold;
though at times,
they can be cold.

Full of wonder,
just like other kids;
exploring the world,
and what it can give,

but what has it given?
What have they received?
These poor victims
of neglecting families;

Why did you bring them here
if you weren't going to care?
How can you face the mirror
knowing they're aware?

Someone else has to raise them.
Someone else has to care
because you couldn't love them--
or wouldn't--
too much to bear?

Each smile means something you couldn't do.
Each tear represents the hurt you caused,
yet they remain so loyal to you,
and all you do is shrug them off!

I get frustrated and my patience is thin,
but when I watch them from afar,
I know I could never
give them so deep a scar.

My only hope is someday,
one of them will look back and say,
"I remember her; I remember those days;"
and just one small difference, I"ve thus made.

*dedicated to the residents at
McKinley Home For Boys,
San Dimas ,CA, 1991-1994*

March 11, 1994

Swingset

Remember the days long ago?
Each was so new.
When playing outside
was all we knew;

When the sky was blue,
and the trees were green;
Daddy was king
and mommy was queen.

When worrying
meant missing the bus
or getting mud
on my new dress.

I miss the swingset
that daddy put together;
the see-saw, the slide,
and the sunny weather.

So free were those days
when cleaning my room
was the worst thing imaginable;
my darkest gloom;

When watching one goldfish
swim in a bowl
overcame me with joy
and tickled my soul!

When imagination
was my best toy;
when I could play Barbies,
even with boys!

I miss the swingset,
my daddy built for me,
for on those swings,
I was so free.

March 4, 1994

Trapped In My Shadow

I remember when
mommy said,
"It's time!
Get out of bed!

When we get home,
you'll have a brother or sister."
When she brought home a girl,
all I could do was kiss her!

Then, I was never nice to her.
I was selfish and cruel;
very caniving,
and manipulative too.

Still, she copied every move I made,
and followed me around.
She even cried because she missed me
when I wasn't in town.

All I could see
was that she got on my nerves.
I couldn't wait
until we could share real words.

When I could talk with her,
and she would understand;
when we'd have common ground;
yeah, that'd be grand!

She grew up
with much resentment.
How will she ever
know contentment?

I cast a shadow,
she doesn't want to live in,
and she chooses to rebel,
rather than work to win.

She's probably had enough of me.
She's probably emotionally blistered,
but I will always look out for her--
she's my little sister.

March 4, 1994

A Wealthy Soul

Every time
I start to smile,
something won't allow me.

Everything
that means anything
somehow ceases to be.

As long as
it means anything,
it cannot come about.

Constantly,
I'm trying to climb
out of the deepest hole.

Hoplelessly,
I never find
a happy inner soul.

Oh God!
please tell me
someday it'll change.

Oh please!
Assure me
there will come soft rains.

It's true.
I want to be rich,
but money's not what I'd grab.

Happiness
is not having what you want,
but wanting what you have.

March 3, 1994

When You Think Of Me

What do you see
when you close your eyes?
When you think of me,
do you fantasize?

How do I appear
when you picture me?
Do you like
what you see?

What's your view
when your eyelids meet?
Am I who
you hoped I'd be?

What do you feel
when I'm in your thoughts?
Do old wounds heal
or do you still feel loss?

When you stop
to think of me,
do I top your list of three?

When you look in the mirror
or close your eyes,
do you see clearer?
Have I changed your life?

Eyes open or closed;
my image; your reflection;
Why do you suppose
we've made a connection?

What's in your mind
when your eyes are closed?
Do you find
questions posed?

What do you see
when you close your eyes?
Do your dreams
include my eyes?

March 2, 1994