Suicide Note

Why am I putting an end to my life?
Why am I thinking of dying tonight?
Nineteen years--some good, some bad;
I wouldn't give up the times I've had,
but it used to all be for a reason--
the sun; the moon; the stars; the seasons.

My whole life I told myself how
for a good tomorrow, it's worth suffering now,
but the tomorrow for those days
has long since past away.

So, how can I possibly believe
that any day I will receive?
There's too many people living for the same dreams.
Yes, everything is as black as it seems.

Out of the blue, my eyes start to tear.
Out of nowhere, the crying appears.
Why get up each morning? Why face the day,
when none of it matters anyway?

Committing every hour of every day
to today and tomorrow's hard earned pay;
Yeah, I know, that's what life's all about.
View me as worthless. I want out.

Eternal sleep sounds better to me.
Hell? Nothing's worse than this life could be!
I don't want to bring anybody down.
I don't have anyone to hang around--

Except for him; the only motivation left,
but being with him means the crime of theft;
Robbery of his time and soon his smile;
making him live his life on trial.

I can't go on.
This can't go on--
Wanting to share myself with him,
but battling boundaries from outward in.

Hoping someday to have a child,
but finding out my chances are mild;
My body faltering inside;
making all my emotions collide.

I've had it! No more!
Nothing left to give.

I can do better. That, I always hear.
Sorry, I fucked up all the way here.
I'm letting you down with the choices I make.
Sorry, your life I didn't mean to take.

Instead, I'll take mine.
Then, all will be fine!
Love's felt most at loss.
Goodbye.

April 28, 1994