If I Care

How could you understand?
After all, you're one of them.
Although you've your differences for sure,
you are still a man,

and I don't want this--
to grow close to someone,
so I can get pushed away,
yet again,

but parts of me want to reach out,
and want to share;
experience what it's all about;
allow myself to care,

and that's where touch comes in;
so very vital to me;
There is sex and there is romance,
and what they combine to be.

I can fuck someone;
let them fuck me back;
remain unattached;
a night in the sac,

but if I care;
if there's potential,
it's too much
to allow such connection.

Time should pass.
It should be right;
holding; comfort; passion;
that's what makes the night.

With me the key is time,
and following my pace;
recognition of my feelings;
the expressions on my face;

You took me aback.
I thought you would wait.
I thought you wanted to know
my mindframe; my state,

and if it was to happen now,
I thought out of intense passion,
but once again I feel laid;
simply allowing another satisfaction.

The thing I fear most
is the thing I want most,
and something I need,
for me to get close.

So, I dread that I'll be facing
some very lonely days,
because I can't give to someone
until they want me just that way.

December 25, 1997

You

You--
a part of me forever,
though bad for me,
like the drugs you can't keep away from.


You--
who allowed me to be free,
and always gave me space,
but also gave me the affection I needed;
touched when the time was right.

You--
who knows how to have a good time;
Our best asset--
having and giving a good time;
why does that have to be your priority?

You--
so simple and easy;
You--
depthless by choice,

but,

You--
appealing to me in a way on one else could understand.

I still see your eyes
when I close mine.

December 20, 1997

Soft Shell

Unfestered innocence;
childlike naivity;
Suddenly,
sent back into the past
or
into myself...
to a girl I once was
or the new girl I am to be;

Not much different,
but not much the same;
Maybe,
caught somewhere in between;

Wander amoung the fibers of my web--
that chaotic truth threshhold which I weave.
My clumsily, well-constructed, emotional labyrinth;
a mesh of fear and doubt
of confusion; pain; and at the same time
wondrous curiosity.

Can it be scraped from the corners;
blown dust into oblivion
or is it part of a metamorphosis
I must complete?

December 15, 1997

Help Yourself

I was just laying there.
How did I become inviting?
Obviously, something
told you to try me.

It only leaves me wondering
what a man thinks;
how the process works;
or was it the drinks?


Well, I'll go into her room
in her house.
I'll crawl into her bed quietly;
I won't be loud.

Later, I'll ask if she minds.
I'll say it's more comfortable
as I recline.
Sure, it's no trouble.

Next, his hand moves up her thigh.
Of course, no kiss
or words exchanged,
but oh, she does miss

being touched; being felt.
He found her weakness.
She'll just melt.

Only words spoken
inquire of protection.
Silence not broken;
no spiritual connection.

I let you go, I guess,
because I wanted to see how
far you would stretch,
and could I allow?

Twice you freed yourself
inside me.
How does yor mind work?
Enlighten me!

December 6, 1997

Feeling Antonymic

LOST as I've never been,
just when I FOUND myself.
OPEN, transluscent and honest,
yet CLOSED off to getting CLOSE to someone
for fear of DISTANCE.

December 1997