Lonely, Together

Lonely;
alone,
when together;

Sounds like nonsense;
paradoxical,
but it's real.

I feel guilty
for feeling
lonely;
alone.

Is it that he's doing something wrong?
Is it that he's not doing anything?

I wonder.
Why?!

What can I do
so he won't
prefer to be alone
with me,
but with me,
alone?

January 31, 1994

Me In A Nutshell

Every now and again,
I find that I yen
for something more;
another door
to another dimension
full of intention.

I just feel so merciless,
and thus so worthless.
What good am I?
How and why?
What can I do for him?
The light seems so dim.
What can he do for me?
Accept the boundaries binding me?
For there is nothing more;
I'm such a bore!

So what's my purpose?
Oh, I'm just worthless!
What's my goal?
Find my soul

...but it's not really lost,
so I guess I'm just caught
in a rut,
but,
maybe that's just as well.
Maybe that's just me in a nutshell.

January 31, 1994

Memory Lane

I went driving tonight,
trying to clear my head of fright,
or was it sadness? or was it fear?
It never really was quite clear,

and it was a few blocks before I realized
what a street I'd picked to take my drive.
I was cruising Memory Lane;
literally driving right through the pain.

It was the present that filled me with woe,
but, Oh, how I learned that the past I do tow,
by looking at a sign upon a post,
telling me to memories I will play host.

Good images and things that brought me pain--
they all visited me while cruising Memory Lane.
It was just the name of a street,
but, likewise, a message so unsweet.

I don't know that it made me feel better,
but it helped me get my head together.
I'm still in an altered state,
but I think now I know my fate.

January 24, 1994

Sunny Side Down

Dealing with you is such a task!
You're much more fun when you wear a mask.
Couldn't you smile?
Just for a while?
That they all like;
not your warped mind.

Twisting every aspect
into a depression prospect;
no matter what it is,
you overanalyze it.

You've turned molehills into mountains
so many times that I've stopped counting.
So serious! Everything is so serious!
Take everything that way, and you'll end up delerious!

I'm starting to hate you for your constant down moods.
All you're doing is helping trouble brew.
Try to live on a brighter note.
Try to keep your boat afloat.

Stop worrying about things so intensely.
Try to live a little more contently.
I hope your image is growing clearer
as I speak into the mirror.

January 24, 1994

The Distance

If you only knew
how much it hurts
to try so hard
to be close to you,
and constantly
be pushed away.

No, not by any intentional physical means,
but constant jest
or sleep;
Always to the world of sleep;
Every time you close your eyes..

If you only knew!

I hate myself for thinking things
but
my mind races.

I bet you could gaze into her eyes.
I bet you could spend hours making love to her.

I'm hurting.
I'm left wanting.
Don't you want me?

If not, tell me now,
before I give myself to you.

I've done this before.
No more!
No more swallowed tears,
please;
not this time;
think how you'd feel.

Then again,
you probably can't
because this is a position
I would never put you in.

January 21, 1994

Daddy's Little Disappointment

"You're a disappointment,"
you looked me straight in the eyes.

I'm sorry I can't be what you wanted.
I've spent my life trying.
I knew I could never reach the finish line,
but I did think I'd been successing hurdles.

I guess my eyes saw one world
and your's another.

Funny how the one thing
the world admires about me,
my own father
can't even see.

Wait and see, daddy.
I'll do everything I set out to do.
All my dreams; all my aspirations;
I will fulfill.

I'm just sorry
it can't be all your dreams; all your aspirations.

Nothing I do is good enough for you.

I'm a disappointment.

January 11, 1994

The Air Is Cold

The air is cold;
Not just the breeze blowing;
Not just the temperature lowering;
The air is cold.

There's a front overhead
and something vital not said,
yet there don't seem to be any words,
so why is it I'm so perturbed?

A frost is present,
to which I cannot consent.
I know the warmth once there;
for heat we used to share.

The reticence lingering
leaves me figuring,
and I seem to be at a loss;
for I know not the worth; only the cost.

I did everything to stop the cold.
I thought silence's worth was gold.
The sun owes me more.
After all I've done for....

The air is cold.

January 8, 1994

Untimely Enigma

Today is supposed to be a new beginning.
Could such meaning
be harmful?

My God,
the anxiety rushes through me!
Why does it havce to be so powerful?

Fear surges through my veins,
yet queasiness reigns my body.
What is wrong?
What is stirring?
What would it want with my body?

I can pretend the thought is hideous.
There are a lot of reasons it is.
But, my God, if it was reality,
how would I handle it?

Another life; another soul;
nothing could be more sacred.
I couldn't lead it to happiness.
Would it be filled with hatred
if I placed it in hands of care?
Could it understand?

Could I live with myself
without it?

If I never gave it life,
that would be the worst.
That would have to be the worst.
That would be putting me; myself first.

Although I will probably have no worry,
it's probably nothing at all,
I'm filled with fright to think
that it would be my call.

It's sometimes exciting.
It's at times, inviting,
but now it's too scary.
I'm much to wary!

Tell me such an enigma
would choose to pass me by.

January 1, 1994