Post Intimate Thought II

I found joy
in another's arms,
but yet, I still miss
our special closeness.
Nothing seems to compare.

They can be better for me;
better for my head,
but can't fill my heart,
at least not like you;
can't please my body,
at least not like you.

I wonder,
of course,
if you ever
have these thoughts;
these feelings.
If you ever
miss the fact
that we clicked.

I wonder
not only can you,
but do you
remember how happy you were
to come home to your 'beautiful wife?'

Not only can you,
but do you
remember me holding you
when you couldn't stand on your own?

Not only can you,
but do you,
remember me nurturing you when you were weak?

I know I need to be here;
away from you,
but I will always treasure
that we needed each other,
and found safety; security; pleasure
in each other's arms.

January 24, 1998

True Desire

I want you to hold me.
Let me rest in your arms;
rest my head on your chest,
absorbing your warmth.

You've relit my flame.
There burns inside a hope
that passion will flare,
not smother in smoke.

You first seized my stomach;
excitement making me twinge;
challenged my mind
and thus, it begins...

My heart is alive.
I can feel such intrigue,
and while I'm drawn to you so intensely,
you seem in my league.

You have both depth and humor;
appreciate music and art;
enjoy having fun in life,
but also are smart;

That excites me deep inside;
restores my faith
in a chance for love
before hitting the grave.

I believe you could be the one
with whom I might finally share passion.
I quiver at the thought
of such satisfaction.

I want to kiss you gently
and embrace you tightly;
feel you breathing
ever so lightly;

Oh, please say I'll get the chance,
for I would give to you too.
A glimpse of romance
leaves me dreaming of you.

January 10, 1998

Scattered Thought

I woke up this morning and discovered
I was plagued by one of those moods.
Although I seem to have control over my life and moods,
there are always the occasional exceptions to the rule.
Hence, this morning...

There was absolutely no motivation within my bones.
The mere thought of going to a children's party was unbearable.
Does that make me the world's biggest bitch?
It does if it's my best friend's son!
She's in town with children I haven't seen for over a year.
There I lay, in my bed, unable to rise and dress for such an occasion.

The worst part of this ordeal was that
it wasn't exhaustion that chained me to the bed.
It was sheer depression.
I don't know why it snuck up on me like that.
I went to bed smiling; nothing heavy weighing me down.

Did I dream of the horrors in my life?
Did I subconsiously put myself
through the pains of my short-lived marriage?
Did dreams bring me his magical eyes,
only so I could gaze into them and be torn away
at the most beautiful moment?
Was I given a subconcious opportunity
to see the reality that is his life these days?
Did I get to see him loving another girl?
Did I get to visualize the ungraspable truth
of my love on the shelf?

All I know is I rose to tears;
the toilet flooding my bathroom;
no towels to clean the mess!
A pink reminder on the front door
that the rent is late
and no roommate or check to be found;
the realization that it's back to work tomorrow
and I've done nothing with my 5-day vacation;

Finally, the incredibly terrible reality
of facing another day and night completely alone.

January 4, 1998