Scattered Thought

I woke up this morning and discovered
I was plagued by one of those moods.
Although I seem to have control over my life and moods,
there are always the occasional exceptions to the rule.
Hence, this morning...

There was absolutely no motivation within my bones.
The mere thought of going to a children's party was unbearable.
Does that make me the world's biggest bitch?
It does if it's my best friend's son!
She's in town with children I haven't seen for over a year.
There I lay, in my bed, unable to rise and dress for such an occasion.

The worst part of this ordeal was that
it wasn't exhaustion that chained me to the bed.
It was sheer depression.
I don't know why it snuck up on me like that.
I went to bed smiling; nothing heavy weighing me down.

Did I dream of the horrors in my life?
Did I subconsiously put myself
through the pains of my short-lived marriage?
Did dreams bring me his magical eyes,
only so I could gaze into them and be torn away
at the most beautiful moment?
Was I given a subconcious opportunity
to see the reality that is his life these days?
Did I get to see him loving another girl?
Did I get to visualize the ungraspable truth
of my love on the shelf?

All I know is I rose to tears;
the toilet flooding my bathroom;
no towels to clean the mess!
A pink reminder on the front door
that the rent is late
and no roommate or check to be found;
the realization that it's back to work tomorrow
and I've done nothing with my 5-day vacation;

Finally, the incredibly terrible reality
of facing another day and night completely alone.

January 4, 1998