Only Me

Is it only me
who clings like a koala to memory?
who likes to hold on to what I see--
what I see when I look back;
when I look back into the past?

Is it only me
who frequently climbs inside my brain,
and reaches for both joy and pain?

Because, at one time those feelings
were so intense they were reeling.

I remember the elation behind each smile,
and every wave of stomach quease.
How every minute away seemed a lifetime,
and how his image in my mind would tease!

Is it only me
who will subject myself to this rehash;
who takes comfort in feelings I once had;
who wonders where I would be today;
but assumes this path the better way?

Why does it seem that everyone else
can easily free themselves?
When something is in the past, they know
it's better to just let it go.
They don't even reflect upon
the feelings their life force once thrived on.

It doesn't mean I'm not happy today
to want to remember yesterday.

Is it only me?

March 28, 1996

Memories That Stick

You think your little girl doesn't remember the college baseball games on a Saturday afternoon, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember you slapping the car to the beat of your favorite song, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember going up to Mt. Baldy to sing along with you and your guitar, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember meeting up with your friends and their kids to visit the Children's Museum or the Aquarium, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember hiding in your side on the scary rides at Disneyland,
but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember waking up to "Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen," but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember every "Why couldn't...why not...how come you...when will you...SELFISH!..." but she does,















and that's what sticks.

March 1, 1996

Okay

Okay to be disappointed with;
okay to disagree with;
okay to warn;
okay to want more for;
okay to see it another way;
okay to not have the means to help;
okay to not approve;
okay to think whatever you want,

but,

there is a time and place,
and you don't spit in your child's face.
Give support when it is needed.
Don't rub it in; spread it; feed it.
That's all I've ever asked of you.
At least I take the time to try and see your view.
Constantly, ram down my throat how selfish I am,
but the lamb is taught by the ewe and the ram.

If just once you'd make us feel that we could come
to you when we're coming undone.
Instead, you want to make us run
so far, the other way.
Guess it's been brewing night and day.

Physical distance makes it hard, but it won't be the murderer.
The gap you've created between us will go much further.

You see it how you want to see it.
You ignore the attempts I have made.
Well, now we'll have to be distant
from many miles away.

March 1, 1996

One Step Behind

You have led me down a path--your way,
and have left me where I stand today.

You have repeatedly shunned your child's tears.
Instead of drying them, you've blown them into fears.

Do you realize?

You keep your child up night after night,
struggling through an inner-bred, tiring, fight,
because that's what you taught her--worry--
"You don't care enough! Selfish!
That's not fast enough. Hurry!"

Never there just to comfort and such;
only to criticize and judge;

"Why didn't you go this way instead of that?
It's fine you did this, but what about that?
This is it? You should've done that!
You think this is adequate? We wanted that!"

Every time; It never fails!

You've taught me well--
Worry!
More than you already are!
Don't ever think you have succeeded,
because you'll always be one step behind.

March 1, 1996