Closer II

God has taken you
so far away from me,
yet given me the chance
to come close
before you're too far.

Stubborn
yes
Strict
yes
Father of four boys
successful men

The playful names;
self-slaps;
Crazy Eights games;
the walks;
trips to the track;
midnight ice cream trips
hanging out at the airport;
Slurpee mixes;
the stories;
The Catskills

Your oldest grandchild
first girl
First Bat Mitzvah
the pressure;
the tension


My pride
in my faith
is there.

My pride
in my grandfather
lives on
in my beating heart;

Even if
your's stops beating.

June 24, 1994

Closer

Why is it
that tragedy
brings people closer?

One can
set himself
so far away
from another
on the happiest of occasions
but in a time of sadness,
people come together.

June 24, 1994

Doormat

How do you do?
Won't you step on me?
After all, I welcome you,
you see.

You'll wipe your feet
when they're not so neat,
and lift me
in search of a key,

but,
you'll never think to like me.

Come on!
Walk all over me.
It's nothing new.
I can't stop you.
I don't have the heart.
So, come on!
I'm waiting for
the stomping to start.

I am your doormat;
everybody's stepping stone.
Alone I have sat;
condemned if I groan.

Just once I'd like to go insde
and be a part of the home I'm at;
instead of sitting here alone,
your faithful fucking doormat.

June 18, 1994

Synonyms: Love/Hate

I have to hate you
because I love you,
and you don't;
not the same way.

I can't see you with another.
I can't be your brother.
I can't watch him hurt you.
I have to dessert you--
it's the only way!

You think of yourself,
as you must,
and,
I'll think of myself,
as I must.

I can't have you in my life
without hurting me,
so it was nice knowing you,
my beloved never-be.

June 18, 1994

Deceived

Here we go again;
like years ago.
Take a bite out of my heart.
Even though,
I've given you
all I know.
I've handed you
my soul.

My dear friends;
my confidants;
laughing at me;
rattling chains
inside my head;
making me wish
I was dead.

I thought it was
part of childhood;
juvenile antics
only id understood,
but we're grown up now.
Well,
I am.

You were the one
I trusted.
Now I'm confused
and disgusted.
I wonder how
you could claim
you were always there;
your two-faced game.

Never a true friend
have I held,
but deception, plenty,
bred in hell.

Don't think I'll forget;
Not after all I've been through,
and I won't regret.
At least, I've stayed true.

June 17, 1994

Homeless

I don't recognize my own world.
I feel like everyone else's girl.
I don't know that I think for myself,
and suddenly I don't feel so well.

At his feet, I know; he's all I know,
but that's just until I go.
Then, I wonder, do I know him at all
or do I know the clown before the walls?

Where do I go from here?
All I can do is fear.
Should I just let go and move on
or have I always been too far gone?

Why is it so right when we're alone,
and why am I so far from home?

Wait...
what's home?

I'm alone.

Others surround me,
but I'm alone.

June 16, 1994

Open Heart, Open Wound

I can't believe
I'm doing it again;
wondering when
he'll call.

Whose ball
is in whose court?

I can't believe
I care.
No fair!
Did I do it?
Used to it!

Did I scare him away;
make him regret the day?
Paranoid,
he'll avoid.

They usually do.
It's true.

I can't believe
I'm who I am;
make them clam;

too open for my own good.
I knew I did and would
say what I say.

One day,
I'll learn.

June 13, 1994

Frustrated Optimist

I look at my own hands,
clenched in a fist,
shaking before my face.


My eyes are squinted;
half-closed to my surroundings;
half-opened to the slides projected in my head.
I breathe half-winded.

I'm singing along with someone else's words
because they're there--
The closest thing to what my heart sings;
the comforteer.

My own hand,
clenched in a fist,
shakes before my face.

Where is my world?
All familiarity has gone astray
I wonder what it all was--
just another yesterday

...to add to my collection?

I'm constantly pushed down,
yet I don't give up.
I only see
the half-full cup.

This time I should.
I'm only perpetrating the pain.
If only, for once, I would
stop the wounding rain,

but still...
My own hand,
clenched in a fist,
shakes before my face.

June 7, 1994

Opportunities

So many choices right now,
yet still somehow I don't want out,
but there's one tiny glimmer
that continues to shimmer,
could you be what I need?

So innocent, you are;
like a twinkling star
lost among the rest,
but shining the best.
I wonder.
Could you be what I need?

I don't want to hurt you.
Perhaps I should alert you.

I stay away
because it seems the right way.
You don't need the confusion I've faced,
but you don't have to be alone in this place.

If you ever decide
you'd like to try,
I'm here.

It's kind of funny
that I sit and wonder
what you're like
deep inside.
Could you be what I need?

I'd like to show you
all you never knew,
and try to make the present
a little more pleasant.

Just maybe,
could you be what I need?

June 7, 1994

Mutual Gain

It would be so nice
to find someone
who is reliable,
but likes to have fun.

Someone I can study with,
and talk about school;
whom I can be myself with,
and still be "cool."

Someone with some innocence,
so I can relate,
and do some teaching,
and share my fate.

Someone who wants
the giving I do,
and who would thrive
on giving me too.

Someone who'll appreciate
my affection and care;
someone who wants
to be part of a pair;

Companionship,
as well as love;
when a little
never seems enough;

Someone who makes me smile
and has a sense of humor;
someone who'll stay a while,
but not a blind assumer;

Someone who'll fill the days with fun
and the nights with passion;
someone who'll care as much about mine
as his own satisfaction;

Someone I can cry to,
but won't be afraid to cry on me;
someone I can count on
for now and eternity;

Someone who has common hobbies,
but interests of his own
that I can learn to appreciate
and he can learn to loan;

Someone who recognizes touch
as meaningful affection;
someone who wants as much
a benevolent connection;

It would be nice to find this guy,
so I can share my now and future.
All I want to find
is someone to love and nurture.

June 6, 1994

Not This Time

Not this time!
I'll be damned
if I'll wait in line
for your time!

I put it all on the line for you.
I gave you my soul!
The hell I went through;
the benevolence you stole;

No, you don't have to be sure,
but then I might not try anymore.
Why bother?

You have it so good,
and you're so fucking blind.
You know I
kiss your ass every time.

Not this time!

I'm going to give my all
to someone who wants it.
I'll call the shots
and won't be taunted.

Maybe I'm settling,
but at least I'll have fun.
Remember?
That's how we'd begun,

but I started to care for you.
I started to share with you.
You kept your distance.
I failed resistance,

but now,
I quit.

June 6, 1994

Imprisoned By Time

Sometimes I believe my biggest foe is time.
It really is out to harm me.
Gripping my neck with stretched out arms,
it is reaching to strangle me.

Nothing could be worse than waiting;
wondering; hoping; regretting; fading.
My insides twist in vertigo,
filling me with worry and woe.

I pray to pass through the gates,
and be able to see your face;
tell you how I thought I wanted,
but now my whole life is haunted.

I now realize what you meant.
You, my lover, but much more so, my friend.
How blind I am to my most precious possession!
Please don't leave me alone with obsession.

The bars that time constructs
will imprison me forever.
Please don't let me quiver
alone.

June 5, 1994

Once Before

Once before,
I felt what I feel.
Once before,
this pain was real.

Once before,
I thought it was right.
Once before,
I lost my sight.

Once before,
my heart bled.
Once before,
all my tears were shed.

Once before,
I made a mistake;
Once before,
I thought I could take.


Once before,
the love was true.
Once before,
my world went blue.

Once before
had finally stopped hurting.
Once before
is now alerting.

Once before
is forever gone.
This time,
please say we'll go on.

This time,
I know right now.
This time,
I don't want out.

All I want is you by my side.
I do not doubt that you've tried.
Can't you see you're everything to me?
This time, please don't let 'once before' be.

June 5, 1994

Pathetic

There's nothing worse than losing love.
It's like I'm missing the left glove.
I can't enjoy the soothing heat
because I'm somehow incomplete.

I need to tell you how I feel.
I don't think I'll ever heal.

I miss you asking if I'm okay.
I miss you asking about my day.
I miss the spots you'd lead me to,
and sharing everything with you.

I miss thinking about, how later I'll tell you,
about a situation as I'm going through it.
I miss talking about worldly news,
and all your paranoid, conspiracy views.

I hate sounding like a pathetic baby,
but I can't help it. I'm just crazy!
I miss you because of all you intend.
I miss you because you're my best friend.

June 5, 1994

Barefoot Again

A canal of wine runs from mind to heart.
Your soul complements the flavor of a cracker.
Fragile, it shall crumble apart.
From blissful fantasy to calamity;
Each and every time I sip from my cup,
until the bottom shines through and true,
I drink the me in myself all up.
Drunk and confused, I've lost my shoes.

June 1994
from a poetry group write-around