Roller Coaster

Riding our Roller Coaster,
there were ups and downs;
smiles and frowns;
but when the cars stopped at the platform,
I focused on the nausea instead of the thrill.

One day, I got in line for a different ride.
I hung back from the turnstile--
allowed myself to enjoy the excitement of mere imagination.

Suddenly, I found myself awakening from a stupor.
I heard nothing but exclamations of joy
reverberating from our roller coaster.
I looked back and saw it glistening in the sunlight.

I re-faced the ride before me.
This time, all I felt was disgust and shame,
but I was fortunate
to be simultaneously blessed
with complete and utter awareness--
of the amazing nature of the roller coaster
and how lucky I was to ride it!

I raced back to our roller coaster.
The line appeared eternal; the conditions ovewhelming,
but to board the cars on that track--
any setting would be worth it!

I endured the conditions of the line.
I polished the cars and
nutured the tracks and foundation.

Finally, the attendant let me board.
An elation surged through me like I've never known.
I had never been so sure of anything before.
There was nothing that remotely compared to this ride.
I would be forever committed to its upkeep and enjoyment.

Riding our roller coaster,
there will be ups and downs;
smiles and frowns;
but each time the car stops at the platform,
I will focus on the amazing feelings I was blessed with,
and I will share my delight with the World.

May 16, 2009

Woman

Woman
has a way of breaking the heart;
Not just that of man

How I’ve struggled through the years with this paradox!

Forced upon limiting relationships
and fraternizing with care

I waded with hesitance
at the banks of a new river—
Sisterhood

Still fearful,
I dove into deeper waters

You had the potential
to send spirits soaring above any woe
Both as a group,
and as individuals

But, alas…
My circle of hope
unbraided before my eyes

The footholds on that lone rock at sea—
Just a splash of fantasy, while gasping for air

The blossoms protruding from plentiful leaves—
Just an illusion in imaginary mist

October 4, 2006

My Light

Do you know
That you’re my light?












Darkness has been known to reign,
but it’s your shine that lights the way.

We have come so very far,
and you have proven to be a star.

Hurt besieged me long ago,
Weighed down by fierce unrest in tow.
My Arizona transition seemed
it may have been better if left a dream.

At first, we were bogged down
by armloads of your baggage,
but once we ditched the encumbrances,
no longer could they ravage.

We started to pave a road to prosperity
that would someday both of us please,
but were squelched by what first seemed a miracle,
yet blindly detoured us with ease.

Words can’t even describe the feelings
that we were dealt with the next hand.
Only those in the exact same shoes
could possibly understand.

Suddenly, I was caring for a sick baby,
born four full months before his time;
The harrowing reality of what would truly be
gradually rearing its head to lay down the line;

We had to learn to adapt to this new world.
For you, it took much time;
Energy and strength for both of us
is what I, myself, had to find.

As I learned to accept my new role,
metamorphosis met evolution.
We were now the parents of a disabled child.
There would never be easy solutions.

His care—so incredibly involved,
Down to every detail;
Physically; emotionally; mentally; spiritually;
financially; medically; familial;

The only common bond in it all—
forever.

Frightening; agonizing; despairing; poignant;
all accompanied by devotion to an innocent soul
who I tried day and night to comfort, putting those feelings on hold;
these simultaneous exhaustions didn’t take long to bestow their toll.

I’m not quite sure when you joined the game,
but I have to tell you that you’ve been amazing.
Every ounce of early heartache is now naught—
I simply cannot do enough praising.

There is NO way I could do this with anyone else.
You are incredible. You are surely one-of-a-kind.
We were truly meant to be a team,
brought together through space and time.

I may still complain about this or that.
I am sorry. It’s part of me; part of the game,
but you are everything I could possibly ask for,
and you deserve optimum acclaim.

Thank you,
wonderful husband.
Thank you,
extraordinary father.
Thank you,
for lighting my way.

November 1, 2005

Candlelight

The room is dark.
It used to be in a glow.
Shadows dancing on the wall;
light flickering;
a peaceful kindling;

but, alas,
the setting was not right.
The air; the feel;
where it sat.

It's burn waried.
It merely leaned from side to side.
It's too weak to illuminate.

Finally,
he blew it out.
The room is dark.

September 17, 2000

I, Alone

You can't look out for me, as I do you.
You may start out, but can't carry it through.
To think, I fell in love with you for that--
the one person who would always love me back.

But, it all continues...
Expectations of me are high. Taking from me is with ease.
Yet, no one recognizes that I can't always play the lead.

No one can be that strong. I must be allowed to feel,
but some how everyone's decided that's not part of the deal.

Don't half-ass it. Just don't do it at all
because the bottom line is that you half-try and you fall!
Yet try, I have to, because I have to continue to do.
Yesterday; today; tomorrow; How dare I ask the same of you!?

I, alone;
it's been that way for years.
Little did I know,
those were preliminary tears!

I, alone;
it shall always be.
So, maybe, I, alone,
should involve only me!

June 2, 2000

My Walk On The Ocean

I look in the mirror
and hate what I see;
not proud of the reflection
staring back at me.

It's not displeasure
with the person within.
I'm proud of my strength and devotion.
It's the way I look
I'm not pleased with,
in spite of my walk on the ocean.

I just see roundness;
overly pale skin;
patches of rose
hiding within;

Various blemishes
standing out;
hair madly
falling about.

It's the roundness
I hate the most.
I can't stand how I look
with or without clothes.

My current life
doesn't allow
the time; money; energy
to do much about it.

I'm so glad
that you love me,
and that you don't see
the things I see.

I know
that your love is true
because you find me beautiful,
in spite of my walk on the ocean.

March 4, 2000

Family Values

I am so very tired,
from top to bottom;
from inside out.
Physically; mentally; emotionally;
I'm too weak to even shout.

There's nothing I can do;
struggling to hold him as he suffers.
He is almost stronger than me;
no doubt, he is much tougher.

No matter what I try,
'tis of no use,
yet I continue trying!
That is all I do!

My body, rigid and stiff,
trying to accomodate;
walking the halls; trying positions;
oh, how I too ache!

I feel so very alone.
There is no help or friend.
I guess you learn real quickly
who you can count on in the end.

This is about a family bond.
For my son, I would do anything.
I wish that my family wanted to help me,
the way I want to help him.

So alone and so tired;
this is so hard to take.
I've tried so hard to stay strong.
Please don't let me break.

Please grant me the strength.

February 1, 2000

My Precious One

I love you more than anything.
You're the mot beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I'm so grateful for your life force,
and the fight you fought to be.

I hate the pain you feel;
the discomfort you constantly endure;
I can't imagine the agony
when you're as helpless as you are.

Every time you stiffen or arch;
every time your lip quivers;
every time I hear you gag;
I wish I could deliver.

My heart breaks
as you struggle.
My body aches,
trying to comfort you.

My poor baby,
my heart aches
through and through.

To watch you go from the brightest smile,
in an instant, to a wince and a shriek;
to see you twist and writhe in pain;
I feel so worthless and weak.

I hope for you, my precious one,
this misery will end soon.
I hope more than anything,
I can make it up to you.

February 1, 2000

You Bring Me Down

Our relationship is deteriorating
into nothing.
It's getting to where I'm sick
when I think of you.

You don't have a romantic bone in your whole body
for me.

I despise you--
so cold; so distant.

Your fucking phonyness
and half-ass effort;
only when it's convenient for you...
or too late!

You bring me down.












Oooh, when I think about
the man I fell in love with;
the glow;
the energy shining through him;
the way he made me feel';
the magic we brought together,

and now nothing.

I have to talk myself into wanting you,
only to have you kill every bud in bloom.

I'm left alone with fantasy.
I had more romance when I slept alone.

You bring me down.

January 21, 2000

Unaffected

I don't know if it's me--
queen of drama--
or it's him--
childish and immature.

Flashbacks from a world I have no patience for;
tired of living for him;
NOTHING good enough;
NEVER happy;

At the same time,
appreciative of his good qualities;
not wanting to take them for granted;

FUCKED IN THE HEAD!

So, do I pretend I'm not affected?
It doesn't bother me?
Live on stage as I have before?

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT WITH HIM.

I met him--
so adult and mature;
strong and independent;
someone who would care for me

November 22, 1998

Just Here

I reached out to you,
and you pushed me away
AGAIN!

Too many times!

And, again,
you sleep,
while I sit up,
miserable.

I expected this of him,
but not of you.

You will never understand how I feel
because you will never allow yourself to try.

You have no idea what you're closing yourself off to.
You probably never will,
unless I'm gone.
maybe you'd prefer it that way?

You break my heart.

So, I hereby give up.
I hope you're happy.
I want you to be.

The ball is in your court now.
When you're ready to swallow pride (as I have);
when you're ready to focus on what's important,
I'll be here.

Until then,
as you wish,
that's all I'll be...
just here.

October 23, 1998

To Sleep

This is a life I recognize--
lying alone while he sleeps;
writing by mere candlelight;
struggling to get through the night;

praying to the moon above
to somehow in its glow,
grant me enough inspired peace
to finally write myelf to sleep.

It doesn't matter how I strive
to not take things for granted,
for they will never see
how they truly have it!

Though I'll treasure each good thing,
I'll never be seen in the same light
I've wrapped their images in.

Instead, they'll see dark spots
and remind me of their cost,
and what shrouds they might bring.

Thus, as years ago, and for years to come,
I will be the only one
to see deep into his heart
and know the passion
waiting to erupt.

I lie alone,
though we're together,
feeling so lonely;
so lonely,

and while he clings to moonlight dreams,
I will write myself to sleep.

October 7, 1998

Dear God

I feel it's time to hit my knees;
not a thought that fades with ease;
a feeling that I cannot shake;
a blessing, for granted, I will not take.

My Lord, you work in mysterious ways,
and I am not so easily swayed.
I've always felt your magical presence,
and always believed in the power of your essence.

While others may devote their life and ways;
let prescribed rules lead their days;
I have felt you within me,
and have known you'd help me
find the way someday,

and just when I was about to give up;
as I began to laugh at love;
as my tired soul grew bitter;
one star in your sky did glimmer.

Your awesome force
has filled my heart,
and I can feel all through me,
something start.

I kneel before you now,
and am in awe at how
you could give me a gift so great,
and a whole new view of fate.

I pray, in your eyes, I'll earn this blessing,
and that I've learned my last hard lesson.
While it doesn't seem enough to say 'thanks,'
I pray, Dear God, you'll grant me strength.

July 23, 1998

A Dim Light Shines

Like the prey of a spider,
I am struggling to escape the fibers;
weakened, by captivation within the web.
Meanwhile, so suddenly, aware of what lies ahead.

I was swimming in transition--
a lone branch in unfamiliar waters,
pushed along by the current;
destination unknown.

Praying for the tepid lake;
fearing relentless rapids;
anticipating roaring falls;

and then came you...

Unlike stones at my feet and sticks floating by;
more than mere driftwood;

In my darkness, a dim light shines.

Still so many ripples of emotion to work through;
still treading; striving to keep my head above the water;

Your face rests in a glow.
Your eyes--windows to a land of smiles--
their amazing blue; a reflection of that tepid lake;
their incredible sparkle; a notion of enlightment.
Both the hurt and the happiness deep within;
a tingling in my heart;

Your smile--a promise of tomorrow;
nothing like the warmth in your arms;
I look up at you, filled with intensity.
I want you. I need you to care for me.
Hold me; touch me; shelter me from harm.

Never go the other way,
but come closer and hold me tight.
Not sometimes,
but always...

And, I will, in return,
give every ounce of my being;
dry your tears; help face your fears;
listen to your thoughts; help you grieve loss;
hold you tight; warm your nights;
help you acquire possessions; help you through life's lessons;
share ups and downs; share smiles and frowns;
gain from experience with you; stand behind each thing you do;
appreciate that which you give; make worthwhile each day you live.

No map has led me to such treasure,
though buried you might have been,
and we both benefit from this find--
an invaluable gift to win!

My love, you may not see it,
as fear consumes your soul,
and my longing for touch; for affection
is time collecting toll.

I think of your kindness
and I am flooded with love for you.
I look downstream and I know,
together we can sail.

And, in my darkness, a dim light shines.

July 1998

Let Me Be Wrong

I know better
than to get my hopes up.
I know how
things will end up.

I know, I'm not what he wants;
at least not on the outside,
but, oh, how he intrigues me,
and, oh, how I feel inside;

Just his hand on my leg,
and my head on his shoulder,
and I have felt so safe,
like never before!

So sincere and sensitive
for a masculine lad;
head on shoulders; zest for life;
and, yet, a family man;

How I've searched
with my brittle heart!
My faith that such a man exists
was blown apart,

and here he was;
so real; so close to me;
so much fun we had together;
I want it eternally!

Praying the phone will ring
and plans will be made
to see him again soon.
Oh, I'd count the days,

but,
I know better
than to get my hopes up.
I know how
this will end up.

July 5, 1998

Our Moment In Time

What will happen when you come out, my love?
Two people who can't be together,
because of the worlds they are from,
and the worlds they live in,

but an undeniable love;
a special closeness;
a comfort zone;
a bond beyond comprehension.

No one loves you more.
No one else can care for you better.

Someone else can party with you.
Someone else can drink a beer with each you guzzle.
Someone else can share hits off of your joint.
Someone else can match you line for line.

I can't.

I hurt;
hating these things you do to your body,
and mine,
but I see your soul!

I look into your eyes and I see your soul.

I can appreciate each smile like no other.
I can feel each unreleased tear like no one.
I want your touch like no one else's.

What will happen when you come out, my love?

Hold me straight through.
Let's not let it end.
Let's eternalize the elation--
our one moment in time.

June 14, 1998

Scattered Thought III

Every day, I work hard.
When I finally come home,
at the end of such an exhausting day,
I am alone--
Not just by definition--
meaning the lacking of another physical being--
but straight out alone.

I am always so tired!
Right now, I'm sluggish and conciously having to work my muscles
to do that which is usually involuntary.
I yawn constantly;
not able to cease the urge.
When free time exists,
I choose to sleep over other activity.

Of course,
this goes back to the fact that I have no one,
with whom, to spend time.

June 1998

Scattered Thought II

It's funny the times that it hits you.
I am so alone, and probably always will be.
All week, while I'm so busy, all I wish for--pray for--
is a moment alone;
a moment in my room--my domain--
to relax.
Yet, I never have a day to myself--
a day without some type of committment to others.
Yet, the times I want to be with others,
I always find myself alone!

May 1998

The Missing Step

It seems I've been living my life on the missing step.

Continuing up the staircase, hesitant to let go of the railing,
but believing foolishly that the next stair is there.

There is pain in the struggle of the climb.
There is pain as my ankle twists, fumbling over a stone in my path.
There is pain in not being able to return to previous steps,

but the deepest pain is from that missing step--
the one I was assured would be there;
the one I hung my dreams on;
the one I reside on.

March 26, 1998

Post Intimate Thought II

I found joy
in another's arms,
but yet, I still miss
our special closeness.
Nothing seems to compare.

They can be better for me;
better for my head,
but can't fill my heart,
at least not like you;
can't please my body,
at least not like you.

I wonder,
of course,
if you ever
have these thoughts;
these feelings.
If you ever
miss the fact
that we clicked.

I wonder
not only can you,
but do you
remember how happy you were
to come home to your 'beautiful wife?'

Not only can you,
but do you
remember me holding you
when you couldn't stand on your own?

Not only can you,
but do you,
remember me nurturing you when you were weak?

I know I need to be here;
away from you,
but I will always treasure
that we needed each other,
and found safety; security; pleasure
in each other's arms.

January 24, 1998

True Desire

I want you to hold me.
Let me rest in your arms;
rest my head on your chest,
absorbing your warmth.

You've relit my flame.
There burns inside a hope
that passion will flare,
not smother in smoke.

You first seized my stomach;
excitement making me twinge;
challenged my mind
and thus, it begins...

My heart is alive.
I can feel such intrigue,
and while I'm drawn to you so intensely,
you seem in my league.

You have both depth and humor;
appreciate music and art;
enjoy having fun in life,
but also are smart;

That excites me deep inside;
restores my faith
in a chance for love
before hitting the grave.

I believe you could be the one
with whom I might finally share passion.
I quiver at the thought
of such satisfaction.

I want to kiss you gently
and embrace you tightly;
feel you breathing
ever so lightly;

Oh, please say I'll get the chance,
for I would give to you too.
A glimpse of romance
leaves me dreaming of you.

January 10, 1998

Scattered Thought

I woke up this morning and discovered
I was plagued by one of those moods.
Although I seem to have control over my life and moods,
there are always the occasional exceptions to the rule.
Hence, this morning...

There was absolutely no motivation within my bones.
The mere thought of going to a children's party was unbearable.
Does that make me the world's biggest bitch?
It does if it's my best friend's son!
She's in town with children I haven't seen for over a year.
There I lay, in my bed, unable to rise and dress for such an occasion.

The worst part of this ordeal was that
it wasn't exhaustion that chained me to the bed.
It was sheer depression.
I don't know why it snuck up on me like that.
I went to bed smiling; nothing heavy weighing me down.

Did I dream of the horrors in my life?
Did I subconsiously put myself
through the pains of my short-lived marriage?
Did dreams bring me his magical eyes,
only so I could gaze into them and be torn away
at the most beautiful moment?
Was I given a subconcious opportunity
to see the reality that is his life these days?
Did I get to see him loving another girl?
Did I get to visualize the ungraspable truth
of my love on the shelf?

All I know is I rose to tears;
the toilet flooding my bathroom;
no towels to clean the mess!
A pink reminder on the front door
that the rent is late
and no roommate or check to be found;
the realization that it's back to work tomorrow
and I've done nothing with my 5-day vacation;

Finally, the incredibly terrible reality
of facing another day and night completely alone.

January 4, 1998

If I Care

How could you understand?
After all, you're one of them.
Although you've your differences for sure,
you are still a man,

and I don't want this--
to grow close to someone,
so I can get pushed away,
yet again,

but parts of me want to reach out,
and want to share;
experience what it's all about;
allow myself to care,

and that's where touch comes in;
so very vital to me;
There is sex and there is romance,
and what they combine to be.

I can fuck someone;
let them fuck me back;
remain unattached;
a night in the sac,

but if I care;
if there's potential,
it's too much
to allow such connection.

Time should pass.
It should be right;
holding; comfort; passion;
that's what makes the night.

With me the key is time,
and following my pace;
recognition of my feelings;
the expressions on my face;

You took me aback.
I thought you would wait.
I thought you wanted to know
my mindframe; my state,

and if it was to happen now,
I thought out of intense passion,
but once again I feel laid;
simply allowing another satisfaction.

The thing I fear most
is the thing I want most,
and something I need,
for me to get close.

So, I dread that I'll be facing
some very lonely days,
because I can't give to someone
until they want me just that way.

December 25, 1997

You

You--
a part of me forever,
though bad for me,
like the drugs you can't keep away from.


You--
who allowed me to be free,
and always gave me space,
but also gave me the affection I needed;
touched when the time was right.

You--
who knows how to have a good time;
Our best asset--
having and giving a good time;
why does that have to be your priority?

You--
so simple and easy;
You--
depthless by choice,

but,

You--
appealing to me in a way on one else could understand.

I still see your eyes
when I close mine.

December 20, 1997

Soft Shell

Unfestered innocence;
childlike naivity;
Suddenly,
sent back into the past
or
into myself...
to a girl I once was
or the new girl I am to be;

Not much different,
but not much the same;
Maybe,
caught somewhere in between;

Wander amoung the fibers of my web--
that chaotic truth threshhold which I weave.
My clumsily, well-constructed, emotional labyrinth;
a mesh of fear and doubt
of confusion; pain; and at the same time
wondrous curiosity.

Can it be scraped from the corners;
blown dust into oblivion
or is it part of a metamorphosis
I must complete?

December 15, 1997

Help Yourself

I was just laying there.
How did I become inviting?
Obviously, something
told you to try me.

It only leaves me wondering
what a man thinks;
how the process works;
or was it the drinks?


Well, I'll go into her room
in her house.
I'll crawl into her bed quietly;
I won't be loud.

Later, I'll ask if she minds.
I'll say it's more comfortable
as I recline.
Sure, it's no trouble.

Next, his hand moves up her thigh.
Of course, no kiss
or words exchanged,
but oh, she does miss

being touched; being felt.
He found her weakness.
She'll just melt.

Only words spoken
inquire of protection.
Silence not broken;
no spiritual connection.

I let you go, I guess,
because I wanted to see how
far you would stretch,
and could I allow?

Twice you freed yourself
inside me.
How does yor mind work?
Enlighten me!

December 6, 1997

Feeling Antonymic

LOST as I've never been,
just when I FOUND myself.
OPEN, transluscent and honest,
yet CLOSED off to getting CLOSE to someone
for fear of DISTANCE.

December 1997

New Life

I guess I'm doing pretty well.
I don't know for sure. It's so hard to tell.
I get by each day, although it's tough and tight.
I work at everything with all my might.

I started to do things on my own;
by myself; completely alone,
and each and every breath I take
fills my heart and lungs with ache,

and I yearn to be held and kissed,
and I wonder if I'm even missed,
but I don't want to need someone;
be emotionally tied to anyone.

My life, as me, has just begun.
I hope that means the worst has come.

November 30, 1997

Give And Get Shit

I knew it would happen.
I just didn't know when.
I knew my heart
would get stomped on again.

I offered her a new world;
shared all I had;
might not have been much;
but all I had.

I warned others of what would come.
I asked them not to take part.
Unless, of course, they wanted some
more of my broken heart.

I actually don't mind
this time,
but let her do the work!
Why should I be the one
to offer my shirt?

Was it she who corresponded
and arranged; made plans?
Offered a ride home
and a place to crash?

No, of course, I'll just do it for you!!

You choose to spend time with her.
Let her take you home.
Let her be the one to call!

Again, I sit alone.
I already gave my all.
...nothing left...

November 8, 1997

Contentment Lost

I shudder to think about why you are happier this way.
Sure, I long for certain aspects of freedom,
as well as characteristics
of a depth you choose not to reach,

but I was happy with you; sharing my life with you;
having you share your life with me.

My heart aches when I realize
you won't be there to hold me.

My stomach turns when I realize
I must face everything alone.

My body utterly repels my soul
when I even attempt to imagine
you devoting the same time and energy
to someone else.

I quiver for touch.
Images of passion and intimacy
flare not only my mind
but my femininity,

and when I find myself having
outrageously exciting fantasies
about anyone and everything,
they always end to include you,

and thus, my heart breaks to know
I'll never please you again;
never hear you moan in pleasure
that I endow you with.

Why??!!

October 30, 1997

Here I Sit

My heart screams to understand
what was placed in my hands.
When I'd burrowed my way out of a pit,
to find a wave and roll with it.

Perhaps a silver lining in a dark cloud;
perhaps merely a flash in a shroud;
whatever it was, it made me smile,
like I hadn't in quite a while.

I wonder what it might have endowed
if it had only been allowed,
but the brew of others' voices and tales,
seizing its flavor; rendering it stale,

and timing--another link in the chain;
If I'd had time to wait out the storm,
could I have danced in the rain?

Here, cast out and left to think;
alone with just my good friend, ink,
I plead with myself not to wonder,
and the carpet sweep this under,
yet, here I sit...

September 5, 1997

Only In Looking Back

How can it be
that love is there,
but the two of us
are lost somewhere
beyond the point of no return,
leaving so much to be learned?

Can't he see
what he has?
Can he only see
the greener grass;
A mirage in the mist,
whose image will fade quick?

This dream--a simple phase;
a fantasy of fun-filled days,
when he might have that for a while,
but I won't have his smile,
and he won't have mine,
when it is finally time.

Someday, he'll look back;
his eyes finally open wide,
and he'll wonder how he could have given up
when he had true love on his side;
when he lived life with his true best friend;
when to every need, she would tend;
when she was willing to give all;
when they could've scaled every wall;

He'll never find in his life,
someone who loves him,
as did his wife,
but I won't have his smile,
and he won't have mine,
when it is finally time.

August 3, 1997

Missing In Action

You never could talk to me;
tell me what you wanted or what you don't.
You could never help get things done
or stand up for me when others won't,

but you're such a special part of my world;
just seeing your face would brighten my day.
It never mattered what you were doing,
and I could always voice what I needed to say.

I loved having to look out for you;
even to provide when I'd nothing to give;
making sure others respect your place in my life.
You're love was reason enough to live,

and when everything in my life decayed,
I felt I'd get through each day
with you by my side to cry to,
and your welfare to see to.

I can't believe this is happening.
Talk about losing it all!
In my omnious sky,
you were the one twinkling star!

I pray you're okay;
that you make it through each day.
I've deprived you from a life outside.
How can you ever survive?

I've called your name so many times,
praying you will appear.
Just one 'meow'
is all I need to hear,
my little orange angel.

June 29, 1997

Deep Enough

It's worse to me than if I despised you;
worse than if anger was all I knew;
deeper pain than continuous hurt;
of all the feelings, this is the worst;
I'm completely numb.

You're around and I feel nothing at all;
no love; no hurt; no desire; my wall;
I'm completely numb.

Please touch me deep enough so I can feel.
Reach through my skin, my soul to heal.
Please pierce through this numbness great.
Please, before it's too late.

June 18, 1997

Little Lie

My feeble heart can take many things;
dictated love and pulling of my strings.
Although I'm overly sensitive, it's true,
I could take the emotional turmoil from you.

For once, I praised that you could let it go
after it happened. Even though,
you might still be angry; I might still be hurt;
we could love again that day; We'd just be alert.

Once, that was enough to make it alright,
no matter how I struggled through the night,

but when you come to me with a lie,
no matter how ingsignificant in size,
how can I respect you? How can I feel love
when your respect for me is a lack thereof!

What I've gone through to be sincere and true,
no matter how it might have left me blue!

Once you come to me with a lie,
no matter how insignificant in size,
you construct a ten foot wall
that makes it hard for me to love you at all.

Then, ice the cake with cold behavior.
I'm on my knees, begging for savior.

Don't ask me why I don't feel like you care.
Don't keep me around if you don't want me there.
You're feeding the distance. You're widening the gap.
My heart's crumbled pieces gather in my lap.

June 18, 1997

Broken Vows

On the grounds that, No, it doesn't matter how it affects me...

On the grounds that he can hurt me so intensely,
that as he stands in my face, mocking me;
crumpling my heart;
I could succumb to physical reaction and push him.


Meanwhile, on the grounds that
he could continue to both mock me,
and try to extract further reaction from me,
after this display of idiocy...

One these grounds, I come to the conclusion
that he does not respect me.
On these grounds, I come to the conclusion
that he is not doing his best to communicate with me.

On these grounds, I come to the conclusion
that he is not only NOT loyal to me, but
NOT loyal to my wants and needs.
On these grounds, I come to the conclusion
that he will continue NOT to do these things
as long as we both shall live.
On these grounds, I come to the conclusion
that the two flames do not burn as one.

On these grounds, I come to the conlclusion
that this marriage is not in sanction with its vows,
and is therefore null and void.

January 13, 1997

Up Alone

So, I sit here and try to determine
what exactly it is that I feel.
What is the whirlwind of pain
and anger and embarrassment?

I know I'm not in the right,
but,
I know I'm not in the wrong.

Destroyed that he could find
contentment when I feel like this.
Exhausted, as is he, from tredding
in the same pool of water
we've tred in
so many times before.

January 13, 1997

Trapped In This Fantasy

How can I help but feel
that we were strung on nature's reel;
that we were supposed to meet;
two lives not yet complete?

So wrong and so cruel
against each and every rule;
singing every moralistic fiber that runs through my soul;
utterly seizing my self-control;

paining me with fear and guilt;
defying a life I've worked to build;
yet, every cell within screams for touch;
never have I felt so much!

The intensity when you were near
left my soul brittle and sheer.
This--a feeling that simply cannot be matched,
but also a check that can never be cashed.

I can put this memory in its proper place,
but I close my eyes and still see your face.
I choose not to let those feelings go
because they make me feel so whole.

I can't help but wonder 'what if,'
and to this idea, my mind does drift.
Proud that boundaries weren't crossed,
but left questioning what we might've lost;

I've accepted the answer is one I wil never see,
and so I remain trapped in this fantasy.

July 18, 1996

Flash

A flash of light in an opaque sky;
a spoonful of sugar chasing medicine;
the first vision seen through a blind man's eye;
a land prisoner's new fin;
the sweet-smelling petal left on a dead rose;
a bountiful oasis in an arid desert scene;
a lifetime insomniac's first doze;
a lost junkie's first day clean;
a memory

June 23, 1996

My Poison

If I could take what you gave me;
what you made me feel;
If I could capture the intensity,
and make it feel real;

If I could bottle it in glass,
and retain all of its whole
to take out at an impasse
or endow with, those alone,

the world would be a better place.
It would complement the good in life.
The benevolence of this case
would drown away all strife.

How I would drink it down!
Bliss would lie in intoxication;
to have fulfillment of such void
without causing others lamentation!

To complete the jigsaw puzzle,
that misses its center piece;
to always feel contentment,
and to so fully please;

If I could only bottle this passion,
all involved could win satisfaction.

*dedicated to the memory of Tequila*
June 18, 1996

Dim Dawn

I sit on the cold pavement.
I remember sitting here,
although six years ago it may be.
I remember the feelings that came over me,
but today what I smell is
dog shit.

An acrid taste in my mouth;
No joy is inhaled into my lungs.
No wonderful feeling has begun.
No whiff of magic!

Just questions
from head to heart;
when will the sadness part?

Nothing that is right feels so anymore.
I'm left knocking at serenity's door.
Tomorrow I'll be back breathing moist air.
I'd rather be anywhere!

Dawn has lost its light.

June 16, 1996

Ponderance

Isn't there one person in my life
that I know won't cause me strife?
No matter what, one to rely on;
one who will not leave me crying;
I really have to wonder
why my skies are filled with thunder.
So lost and so alone;
just no place I can call home.

June 16, 1996

Conflict

You make me feel alive,
bringing out that on which I thrive.
Gentle caress on the nape of my neck;
making every hair stand erect.

Soft nuzzle on my scalp; tight grasp of my hair;
goosebumps subsisting everywhere.
Tracing the curves of my body's frame;
even if you are just playing a game,

if you can make me feel this way,
there isn't much my head can say.
There is a why--
fate's ally.

What now will follow this?
Never even shared a kiss;
was indeed a connection made
or just round one of a continuing game?

No need to answer me.
I already see.
The force you endowed me with;
something I have grown to miss;

makes me sit back and think
as I sip from life's drink.
It makes me re-examine things.
I wonder if head or heart will win.

June 15, 1996

Color Diagnosis

Looking at blue,
under the blue,
I am blue.

Filled with dread,
in my head,
I see red.

Aura green;
Envy their scene;
not serene;

Dipped in gray;
all my days;
come what may

May 15, 1996

Shadowchaser

Can't be there to see with my eyes,
but it's entirely, I realize,
all things that come forth to my ear,
are all things, such a pleasure to hear!

How can I tell you from miles away,
just how proud of you I am today?
To see you walk in cap and gown--
how I wish I was around!

I remember all things--good and bad,
and those up-and-down times we've had,
but I've watched you mature
in mind, body, soul and more.

I've watched you come from lower ground
to the top with a leap and a bound.
I hope to see you keep on rising,
at the same time realizing,

you've got what it takes!
Of you're future, you're the master!
You used to feel trapped in my shadow,
but now you are the caster!

May 4, 1996

Only Me

Is it only me
who clings like a koala to memory?
who likes to hold on to what I see--
what I see when I look back;
when I look back into the past?

Is it only me
who frequently climbs inside my brain,
and reaches for both joy and pain?

Because, at one time those feelings
were so intense they were reeling.

I remember the elation behind each smile,
and every wave of stomach quease.
How every minute away seemed a lifetime,
and how his image in my mind would tease!

Is it only me
who will subject myself to this rehash;
who takes comfort in feelings I once had;
who wonders where I would be today;
but assumes this path the better way?

Why does it seem that everyone else
can easily free themselves?
When something is in the past, they know
it's better to just let it go.
They don't even reflect upon
the feelings their life force once thrived on.

It doesn't mean I'm not happy today
to want to remember yesterday.

Is it only me?

March 28, 1996

Memories That Stick

You think your little girl doesn't remember the college baseball games on a Saturday afternoon, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember you slapping the car to the beat of your favorite song, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember going up to Mt. Baldy to sing along with you and your guitar, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember meeting up with your friends and their kids to visit the Children's Museum or the Aquarium, but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember hiding in your side on the scary rides at Disneyland,
but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember waking up to "Happy Birthday, Sweet Sixteen," but she does...

You think your little girl doesn't remember every "Why couldn't...why not...how come you...when will you...SELFISH!..." but she does,















and that's what sticks.

March 1, 1996

Okay

Okay to be disappointed with;
okay to disagree with;
okay to warn;
okay to want more for;
okay to see it another way;
okay to not have the means to help;
okay to not approve;
okay to think whatever you want,

but,

there is a time and place,
and you don't spit in your child's face.
Give support when it is needed.
Don't rub it in; spread it; feed it.
That's all I've ever asked of you.
At least I take the time to try and see your view.
Constantly, ram down my throat how selfish I am,
but the lamb is taught by the ewe and the ram.

If just once you'd make us feel that we could come
to you when we're coming undone.
Instead, you want to make us run
so far, the other way.
Guess it's been brewing night and day.

Physical distance makes it hard, but it won't be the murderer.
The gap you've created between us will go much further.

You see it how you want to see it.
You ignore the attempts I have made.
Well, now we'll have to be distant
from many miles away.

March 1, 1996

One Step Behind

You have led me down a path--your way,
and have left me where I stand today.

You have repeatedly shunned your child's tears.
Instead of drying them, you've blown them into fears.

Do you realize?

You keep your child up night after night,
struggling through an inner-bred, tiring, fight,
because that's what you taught her--worry--
"You don't care enough! Selfish!
That's not fast enough. Hurry!"

Never there just to comfort and such;
only to criticize and judge;

"Why didn't you go this way instead of that?
It's fine you did this, but what about that?
This is it? You should've done that!
You think this is adequate? We wanted that!"

Every time; It never fails!

You've taught me well--
Worry!
More than you already are!
Don't ever think you have succeeded,
because you'll always be one step behind.

March 1, 1996

The Movie In My Mind

I sometimes remember people and places;
things that happened with familiar faces,
and I see this movie in my mind;
if only a screening I could find!

I see entire scenes replayed,
happening the exact same way.
I see credits at the start
with my friends and family playing the parts.

I listen to a favorite song,
and it helps the memories flow along.
I see each face smiling at the lens
to help their printed name make sense.

I play a soundtrack in my mind,
and know which song to play which time;
which time would accent which emotions;
how to put my picture in motion.

Oh, how I wish I could put it together
to make people understand me better;
make it come to life on tape,
so I could give it form and shape.

I'd like to project what's in my head
for the world before I'm dead.
Hopefully, I will find a way,
and watch my movie on screen someday.

March 28, 1996